Caring For Aging Parents

“You are lucky to have such a large family.” “I would love to have your problems.” “Do you have daughters? Good, because they will take care of you when you’re older.”

As a therapist who works with stressed out professional women, I frequently hear about the additional responsibilities they bear for their aging parents, aunts, uncles, etc. Most clients actually talk about how they actively cultivate their gratitude to still have their parents/family around and are willing to dedicate effort to help an elderly family member continue to live independently or to visit them regularly in assisted care. Why? Because my clients are awesome. The problem I often hear is how that one person is ends up with all of the work. Sound familiar?

Justifications and resentments

I get that many adult children have their own life, work responsibilities, maybe a spouse and even children of then own. These are real responsibilities. However, when caring for aging parents, the labor is often foisted upon one child, and you know it is often a daughter. Some of these adult daughters have internalized this message and assume the responsibility without much discussion. Over time, the resentment can grow, unfortunately.

The non-helping family members often have many reasons for not helping out – they have an important job, tired when they get home from work, have their own family to take care of, and my personal favorite, “Well, you know that Mom/Dad would be more comfortable if you did it.”

Family dynamics

People’s families are weird. Admittedly, my clients don’t pay for my services to tell me about their fabulous families and their healthy communication patterns, so I may have a slightly warped perspective. However, the unspoken agreements and unfair treatment experienced by certain members of a family can be quite harmful (seriously). For example, a family might shape a certain child to be the carer of adult parents, and then continue to expect that to continue through the generations. This role is often unpaid with little/no consideration in other ways (receiving explicit thanks and recognition, taken into consideration in estate planning, etc.).

It’s not (just) about the money…

In some situations, the individual who has been nominated to be the carer feels disrespected. For whatever reason, family members, health care professionals, random people, etc. just make an assumption that this one person has the capacity and ability to offer the time and emotional capital to take on this work. For an adult child who also has a job and even some kids of their own, this can be a very unfair assumption and can result in the parent getting less of what they need.

…But what is wrong with asking for money, anyway?

In our society, money is often equated with worth. Many of the roles performed by women are poorly compensated or not compensated at all. Since I left my work in the investment industry, I have been surprised by how many people—both men and women—have given me positive feedback for being in a helping role and told me how great it is that I work without expectations for fair payment. I am willing to be bad guy in the room sometimes, explaining that my counseling practice is a business and that I use my fees to pay my business expenses and personal bills and that I think it is reasonable to be fairly compensated for my time and expertise. That conversation elicits a lot of crickets. : ) I NEVER heard that spiel when I worked in finance (not a traditionally female role).

As a therapist, I have helped clients approach asking for a raise or negotiating a new job offer. There are clearly no guarantees that you will get what is asked but it is a worthwhile consideration. When a team member feels unfairly compensated when, for example, they realize that they are paid less than their peers, it can be motivation for that person to begin looking for a new job. When this same sense of feeling undervalued happens within a family, the affected person may similarly wish they could get out of the situation but feel bound by obligation or by a sense of doing what is right. In other words, they feel stuck. Resentment tends to build when a person feels stuck, and unresolved resentments can permanently change family relationships.

The emotional cost

When you are helping out your aging parent or other family member, you are likely to notice some changes in their abilities, especially their cognitive ones. It can be upsetting to see your opinionated, take-no-prisoners type parents start to forget things, become more naïve or dependent, or have difficulty thinking things through. I think that sometimes, family members resist helping out because they have trouble coping with their complicated feelings. If you are caring for your aging family members, please give yourself some slack – you are likely to get frustrated and annoyed. It can be difficult to accept such strong conflicting feelings about family members – you might really love and care about your elderly aunt but have to do deep breathing exercises to prevent yourself from losing your cool. This is a common reason people seek help from a professional.

It’s often our unexamined thought that gets us into trouble

Actually, the line is "The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates. Big surprise - I am a fan of discussing one's life and one's thoughts. In fact, for people who are fortunate enough to have estate planning needs (read: family money), addressing these issues should be part of the process. I have had clients tell me that the family members who are not actively helping out with elderly parents are resistant to spending money to help that parent because it will reduce their future inheritance. They then “vote” for the carer to continue to sacrifice for the rest of the family. I expect that those “voters” have given very little regard to the viewpoint of the carer, and it is possible that an honest and direct conversation might provide some insight. Maybe your therapist can help you either prepare for such a conversation or they may agree for you to invite your family member(s) to join a session to discuss. It's worth asking...

There are some resources for older adults

When I first started working in local mental health agencies, I could not wait to be given lists of resources that I could share with my clients. These lists were sadly not forthcoming, so I gathered some information myself. Many towns and cities have senior centers that offer services (yoga classes, tax filing assistance, transportation, discounted and free access to food) and can serve as a resource when seeking support for your elderly loved one. There are also other non-profit organizations that offer additional elder services (with some funding from the federal/state governments):

Central Boston Elder Services: https://centralboston.org/

South Shore Elder Services: https://sselder.org/

Old Colony Elder Services: https://www.ocesma.org/

I imagine that some of your elderly family members may not qualify for free resources but I have spoken to some kind people that were able to answer my questions and offer suggestions for paid resources I had not considered.

Some tips:

• SHARED RESPONSIBILITIES:

  Put together a family calendar each month and literally assign days of responsibility. Don’t leave it solely on one person’s shoulders to be your family project manager.

• BE HONEST:

  Please don’t make excuses if you cannot contribute fairly. That only makes you feel better and it adds to the resentment.

• COMPENSATE THEM:

  If this really is the best solution for your family and there is a willing single carer, pay them, if you can. Write it up in a will, if appropriate. Pay them using fair market comparisons. If you can afford it, please don’t try to pay your family member discounted wages. That can be even more insulting than not paying them at all. Perhaps discuss this?

• OTHER WAYS TO CONTRIBUTE:

  Could you help the primary carer take a vacation they could not afford on their own? Could you offer to mow their lawn or wash their car? Invite them over for dinner?

• LISTEN TO THEIR OPINIONS:

  If you are relying on this one person, please consider their voice and opinions. If they want to get some help in from a local vetted agency, maybe you should consider this. Don’t put your personal interests (money in your future estate, guilt about having them cared for by strangers) above theirs, please.

• SAY THANK YOU.

  Acknowledge their work and let them know that you know it is hard in many ways.

Contact me

Are you interested in seeing if I may be the right therapist for you?* Check out my website, request an appointment or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.

email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471

* I am licensed to work in Massachusetts.