Origins

The term “gaslight” derives from a 1938 play called Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton, which was later made into an award-winning film (Gaslight, 1944).  It stars Ingrid Bergman, Angela Lansbury, Charles Boyer, and Joseph Cotton, with Bergman playing an opera singer whose new husband (Boyer) cunningly employs a campaign of manipulation to the extent that Bergman begins to believe that she is insane. He manipulates her through a series of steps that make her doubt her memory, her perceptions, and, ultimately, her own sanity. One of the deceptions involves Boyer convincing his new wife that the gas lights in her home are not flickering, instead using it as manufactured evidence that she is insane.

Name It

The emergence of a widely accepted term for this specific form of manipulation or emotional abuse is actually a good thing, as having clear language can facilitate discussion.  Furthermore, I believe that acknowledging the phenomenon of gaslighting as a legitimate form of abuse is vital, given that it involves a deliberate campaign of deception designed to make a person question their reality.

Some additional benefits:

• Reduced stigma about mental illness

• Highlights the importance of healthy relationships

• Legitimizes emotional manipulation as abuse

Gaslighting is typically depicted as a type of abuse in romantic relationships where the perpetrator is trying to gain power over the victim but can be present in any type of relationship, such as a family of origin, at work, and in platonic friendships.

The perpetrator may not necessarily be aware that they are gaslighting – it could be a technique they learned from observing it in others.  For example, a child may grow up in a home where one parent gaslights the other parent. It is pretty common to see family dynamics as normal until we learn otherwise. Why would someone copy this behavior?  Well, because it often works, leaving the perp with greater power and control, making them the dominant player in the family or other relationships.  The inflictor of this abuse often portrays themselves as helping the victim, offering to make decisions for them to protect them from themselves.  Another term that describes gaslighting behavior is “coercive control”. 

What it’s not

When a person tells a lie, for example, to shift blame away from themselves, that is not an example of gaslighting.  It’s not great, but telling one lie does is not the same as an ongoing series of lies that are intended to make the victim dependent on the perpetrator.  Misuse of the term may be damaging, as it creates confusion in the mind of a potential victim when they really need clarity. For example, Elizabeth sees a text to another woman on her boyfriend’s phone. She confronts her boyfriend and he lies, saying that the text was to a colleague at work, when it was truthfully to woman he was attracted to that he met on a recent business trip. Now, this is still a lie but it is not part of an ongoing effort to convince Elizabeth that she is crazy.

Here is an excerpt from an article about gaslighting on HowStuffWorks.com:

Dr. Monica Vermani, a clinical psychologist in Toronto and author of "A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas." "Referring to disagreements and attempts to convince, influence or sway someone's opinion as gaslighting contributes to serious misunderstanding and trivializing of this dangerous and destructive form of manipulation and control," she adds.  

What to do about it

Gather information

Note when this doubt started to grow, does it appear to be related to one person or group of people in particular? For example, can you tie this growing lack of trust of your own perceptions to a new or specific person in your life? Has this person(s) encouraged you to distance yourself from long-term friends and family, those who have been there for you in the past?  Is your relationship with this person of primary importance-even more important than your relationship with yourself?  Are your memories of a given situation in contrast with this person’s?  Have you been told that you are being too sensitive?  Do your conversations make you question what really happened?  Is this person constantly making you feel as if you have to defend your own memory?  You think that you must withhold information from trusted friends and family.  You are always the one who is “wrong” in every disagreement.  [Note that these are simply data points and not an exhaustive list of all signs of gaslighting.]

Validate

Discuss your experience with a trusted friend or family member.  If you are unable to find that trusted person in your personal life, consider reaching out to a professional such as a therapist, counselor, psychologist or other helping professional.  It is possible that the reason you are feeling so isolated is a result of the gaslighting itself. 

Address it

Can you tell this potential gas lighter that there is a serious problem in your relationship? If this abuse is taking place in a romantic or familial relationship, perhaps you can suggest that you attend therapy together to improve the health of your relationship.  Ultimately, a relationship that is abusive and controlling is one that should be ended.  I am not saying that abusive relationships cannot be mended but it is common for the abuser to be successful in temporarily changing their behavior, but the bad behavior resumes in many cases over time.

As always, in instances of abuse, please prioritize your safety. While confronting abuse sounds like a healthy way to address a problem, I would not suggest that you put yourself at further risk of physical, psychological, emotional, sexual, financial (etc.) abuse.

Contact me

Questions? Check out my website, request an appointment or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.

email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com

phone: 617.804.6471

I am licensed to work in Massachusetts

References 

Clair Cohen.  Gaslighting’ Is the Word of the Year. What Does That Tell Us About the World We’re Living In?.  Vogue.  December 1, 2022, https://www.vogue.com/article/gaslighting-word-of-the-year-opinion

Alia Hoyt. September 14, 2022.  Why Is the Term 'Gaslighting' So Popular Now ─ and So Misused?.  How Stuff Works.  https://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/human-nature/perception/gaslighting.htm

Kelsey Ogletree.  Why Is Everyone Talking About 'Gaslighting'? Here's What It Means and How to Spot It. Real Simple. Updated on March 30, 2023.  https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/why-is-everyone-talking-about-gaslighting-heres-what-it-means-and-how-to-spot-it