What is self-care, really?

Okay, there are a few phrases that I sometimes hear as a therapist that make me wince a little bit, such as "triggering", "sleep hygiene", and "self-care". It made the news when “self-care” was added to the Miriam-Webster dictionary in 2018 (do you remember when ”bootylicious” was added to the Oxford English dictionary in 2004?).

Today, I wanted to share my thoughts on this trite phrase and offer a way to think about caring for oneself in an deep, practical, and beneficial way.

Self-care as a response to burnout

I was reading an article on the day of this writing about how many health care professionals have left medical field, and it focused a lot on burnout from the covid pandemic. It also explained that many doctors were worried about being perceived as too weak to cope with the pressure. It made me think about what practical things one could do to support health care workers (and others)-- things that might actually work to make them healthier in general.

I remember taking a class in grad school where we were asked to talk about things we could do to enhance our ability to support clients who were suffering. A lot of my classmates spoke of their “self-care” programs as getting up early to get to the gym before work, have a massage, or maybe a facial. Those are all really good things. I like to do those things myself. However, from my perspective, it's a bit like rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic: a little too little and a little too late.

How the media describes self-care

I just performed a highly robust google search and found some nice ideas for self-care:

• Instead of taking a shower, take a bath

• Get a pedicure

• Light a candle

• Pray or meditate

• Start a gratitude journal

• Drink a cup of tea

• Clean out your purse

• Clean every surface in your home (yes, I really saw this as a self-care tip for women)

So, these are mostly good things to do, if they are meaningful to you. If my therapist told my I should clean every surface in my home, I might snap, though. So, if you are a nurse at a local hospital and have been working overtime in full PPE (personal protective equipment) gear, working with sick, injured, elderly, lonely, crying patients, light a candle. That should do it. You should be good to go after that.

Some real self care ideas

So, perhaps, what might actually be beneficial in the long-term would be to explore how you treat yourself all the time:

Engage in healthy relationships:

Many clients are in unbalanced relationships that detract from their lives.

Set limits and boundaries:

If there are people or situations that drain you, limit your exposure to them. If it’s really bad, consider ending those relationships, work situations, living arrangements.

Say “no”.

If you are always asked to cover for your peer’s mistakes at work, or you are expected to babysit for your brother’s children when he is on vacation, perhaps think about declining these generous offers. I realize that it can be difficult to decline a request from a boss or, that if you are in an unhealthy relationship, it might not be safe to simply say no. Sometimes this process takes time and requires assistance.

Let go of resentments:

This is not quite the same as forgiving people. I am not against forgiving people but rather I am suggesting that carrying around these resentments, even righteous ones, may be holding you back and it can feel uplifting to release that burden.

Forgive yourself:

Do you spend a lot of time wishing you could rewrite history? Did you act awkwardly in a recent social situation (this is so me) and spent a lot of time in your own head repeatedly reliving that awkwardness? Did you use poor judgement and say or do something hurtful, and this memory is so painful that you push it away but it keeps popping back in unbidden? Perhaps these are unhealthy thinking patterns that don’t fix the problem and ultimately make you feel worse about yourself.

Develop healthy internal self-talk:

Pay attention to the thoughts that are running through your brain when you are working, driving, walking, whatever. Many of these thoughts are a self-directed dialogue of criticisms that subtly influence our identity and consequently our actions.

Imagine instead, that your inner dialogue offers you encouragement and forgiveness--maybe it sounds like what you might say to your own loved ones. If you engaged in these (and other) healthy ways of thinking, you might not be stuck in as many situations where you are apt to burn out.

What are your priorities?

One of the things I work on with clients is a review of their priorities. It sounds pretty simple and often the first conversation we have is a bit pat or rote, in that it rolls quickly off the top of the head. Here are some examples: “My kids are my number one priority. “Family, friends, work.” “I am focusing on my immediate family - children, partner, dog.” One thing I rarely see is someone admitting that they themselves should be on that priorities list, at least somewhere. I often see a disconnect between people’s stated priorities and their actions. Not in a bad way. It is usually just that we don’t have enough time to dedicate time where it is deserved, as we are often putting out metaphorical fires.

If you spent time considering your actual priorities and then mindfully allocated your time accordingly, I think you would need to light fewer scented candles or have a little less wine after work. I know, I know, your life is busy and it can sometimes feel selfish to focus on yourself. Is it really selfish to prioritize your health? What about being in healthy relationships that help you be the best version of yourself? Finding the right job for you where you are not sick to your stomach when you wake up in the morning at the thought of going to work?

What if, instead, you woke up feeling reasonably content with life, that inner voice was giving you encouragement rather than bringing you down, and you were able to “close the door” on your work thoughts when you left work? Making such changes is possible. Therapy is one way to get some help.

Contact me

Are you interested in seeing if I may be the right therapist for you?* Check out my website, request an appointment or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.

email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471

* I am licensed to work in Massachusetts.