Are You a Good Communicator? Maybe sometimes…
You may be a good speaker but are you a healthy communicator?
As you may already know, most of my clients are experienced professionals in highly responsible jobs—they are the high achieving, high performing, high potential folks. They may have different roles and varying levels of experience but one thing they have in common is that they are really good at communicating at work. Maybe they work directly with clients and other industry leaders, speak at conferences, present training and educational materials, or interface internally with senior executives. I believe that achieving that level of success takes some skill (or it should!). Not all folks like this, however, are able to communicate as effectively in other aspects of their lives, leaving them frustrated and feeling misunderstood.
speak to your audience
Different audience, different tactics
At work, you probably built your credibility based on your knowledge and accomplishments. For example, Jerri has a reputation as an excellent product representative because of the depth of her expertise on a new, in-demand product, her understanding of the implementation requirements, and how her product compares relative to the competition. She is able to close important business opportunities and assist new clients during their transition to working with her firm because she can offer meaningful, critical advice. That sounds pretty good. However, when she gets home, her partner and teenaged kids are not so impressed. Despite her well-reasoned pitch on why the kid’s bedrooms should be cleaned in the afternoons before she gets home from work, their rooms are always a disaster zone. Why? Well, she’s not speaking to her audience. Rather than relying on her expertise and advice-giving skills, perhaps she can change her tactics and focus on listening and incorporating the feedback of others in creating a plan that might be more practical.
Trust in relationships is based on feelings, not facts
Jerri might actually have a more productive interaction with her family when she truly understands their feelings. I think that parents are often so busy that it doesn’t occur to them that they don’t really know how the other family members are feeling. Perhaps they think they know but are often incorrect. Sorry.
There’s often a lot going on with family that stays below the radar but finding ways to talk about those uncomfortable things (like negative feelings) can make a big difference. Suppose Jerri doesn’t realize that her high school children have so little time after school, given all of their activities and homework, and that they might have more time to clean the house on weekends. Perhaps the kids are upset that Jerry doesn’t seem to understand this and it’s making things worse between them. Now, I am not promising that kids are ever going to want to spend their time cleaning up but it might be worth trying this approach to see if it is more effective.
Is this the way your parents did things? Probably not. There wasn’t a lot of “dialoging” in my childhood home about this kind of stuff. Times have changed, though. I have seen more than a fair share of clients come into my office seeking help with relationships and self-esteem that stem in part to a lifetime of feeling invalidated. It’s considered a good parenting/people skill to address this sore spot by intentionally acknowledging and focusing on the feelings of others.
Learning to say “no”
Another important part of communication is being able to advocate for oneself. It doesn’t necessarily have to turn into a battle but peer relationships are healthier (IMO) when they are roughly equivalent in terms of power. To help keep this balance in check, both parties must have the option to push back with “no”. Many of my clients have learned that they should always put others before themselves, which makes it difficult to decline a request and this often leaves then angry, resentful and feeling unappreciated. Using effective and healthy communication skills can allow honest discussion of differences and hopefully result in fair outcomes.
What about work relationships?
While work relationships are not exactly the same as those with friends and family, I’d bet that a lot of your relationships with your colleagues are based on feelings: respect, appreciation, trust, and caring, hopefully. It can’t be bad to have people at work like and respect you, can it? You may be able to strengthen these professional relationships by being a better listener there, too. One way to demonstrate your efforts to understand is to ask relevant questions to clarify possible misunderstandings. In my experience, it makes others feel “heard”. Where possible and appropriate, consider using your capital to incorporate the views of others and gave credit for those views, too!
Can you always say “no” at work? Perhaps not. However, there are ways to establish expectations that are fair and methods for advocating for yourself. Perhaps gaining comfort in negotiating with your boss or other internal constituents and gaining consensus in adjusting priorities can help you remain effective at your work while not creating unnecessary resentments. I don’t think any work situation is perfect but many of them can be made better.
Questions
Check out my website, request an appointment, or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.
email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471