Rachel Sykes

I Work with Stressed Out Professional Women | Licensed in Massachusetts |

Control

Whenever I am reading and see this word, I have to refrain from belting out my rendition of Janet Jackson’s 1986 classic hit Control ((https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWpxIgDSDSs). Out of courtesy, I will not link to a video of me trying to copy her dance moves. These days, after I get over the urge to sing, I also think of control as a useful tool in therapy. Specifically, it can save you a lot of grief when you can figure out what in your life you can actually control and find a way to let go of the rest.

What is in your control vs. what isn’t So, the idea is that it can be valuable to figure out what things are truly within your control. For me, I can control the way I speak to others, the way I speak to myself (usually in my own head), my choices, such as accepting a job offer, or deciding whether to have a large or a small ice cream from the little store in walking distance from my house.

Within my control

There are a good number of choices I make every day, and they range from small to large. One small decision I made today was what socks to wear. Not a biggie but that was still me. A bigger decision that I am not quite done making is whether of not to enroll in a marketing course for my business (marketing is new to me and the training looks good but it is a bit costly). Get it?

Not in my control

This one is tougher, as there are many things we want that are not in our control. For example, maybe I want a to be selected for a solo in my choir. (I’m not sure that I really want this but let’s just go with it.) Can I force the choir director to select me? No. What can I control? Well, I guess I could actually request an audition. And maybe I could actually prepare an audition piece, or possibly practice singing…

Another goal

Here’s an example: I want to have a good relationship with my partner. So, here I can contribute towards my goal, and can control what I am putting down but I can’t control my partner’s response or his behavior in general. So, I can do my best but can’t be sure of the outcome, so I don't control what happens. Make sense? Hope so.

So…?

So, the idea is that, for things you cannot control, focus on assessing your self on the aspects that you can control, or influence, and try to take satisfaction for doing your best. The idea is that, if you do your best, you can’t really beat yourself up for not achieving your goal. You can be disappointed, sure but perhaps it feels less personal, like less of a failure. I see this as a healthier way to measure yourself- Did you do your best? If so, you have to take some credit for this accomplishment. Did you not put in your best effort? Okay, well, think about how to do things differently the next time and then see if you’ve done your best.

I don’t take credit for this idea

While I am a fan of focusing on “issues of control” in therapy, I am far from the inventor of this worthwhile concept. When working with my clients, sometimes I recommend some books that were really helpful to me. The first time I read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, I was floored by the depths of depravity this man endured in a WWII Nazi Germany concentration camp. How did he actually physically and mentally survive what some many other worthy individuals did not? This is no light read but, if you’re up for it, it presents a view of life that puts things in perspective. As always, I don’t intend to minimize anyone’s feelings, as that can be unconstructive and counterproductive. Mr. Frankl was an amazing man that was kind enough to teach others some valuable skills.

Another biblio recommendation on the subject of control is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This author has found a surprisingly simple way to boil down his view on happiness. Well, I understand that he actually he shares the wisdom of the ancient Toltec people in this and several other similarly styled books. A strong selling point – this is one of the shortest books I have ever seen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I realize this may not work for everyone but, if you can, read it. I hope you can buy it or borrow it at the local library.

Did you just tell me to “let it go”?

Bear with me. I know that sounds touchy feely. However, you suffer when you believe yourself to be capable of controlling all outcomes. It’s like you are punishing yourself for failing a rigged test. Finding a way to remind yourself “Hey, I did my best but the result was out of my control” is a lot kinder than “I worked so hard and I still failed. I must be [insert negative word here].” Re-writing that internal script can be very helpful. It also tends to be more based in fact than the beating-yourself-up version.

As my clients know, I often use visual techniques to “let it go”. Sometimes I imagine closing a door on the yucky thought or feeling. My favorite technique is to picture a big pair of scissors and I imagine snipping any connections between me and negative thought. It is often a negative person who I was to be “snipped” from, and envisioning that snip really helps. When I realize I am back to my negative thinking, I just snip the connection again and again until I feel as if I have put it behind me.

Another way I have of letting things go is to realize how ridiculous I am being. When I realize I am acting like I am all-powerful and can make people do my bidding (bwah-hah-hah), I get a little chuckle at my kindly intentioned but woefully misguided sense of over-responsibility. That tends to break the dysfunctional thinking spell for me.

Letting go of things you can't control: Does this even work?

Well, it works for me. I have had clients and friends tell me it works for them, too. It usually requires me to do my “snipping” more than once, and I think that is a function of how much energy I have poured into the situation (intensity). Or, perhaps I have indulged my negative self and brooded on this problem for a long time (duration). If you are new to using visualization techniques, you may need to use a specific technique repeatedly to keep the negative thinking at bay. It’s like building a muscle – it takes repetition to build strength.

Rachel Sykes, therapist for stressed out professional women

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