More on Divorce: Impact on Children and Career

Rachel Sykes | I Work with Stressed Out Professional Women | Licensed in Massachusetts

Rachel C. Sykes, LMHC, LLC Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
rachelcsykes.com

Part II on Divorce

Work analogy

Over my career, I learned to spend time developing talking points about my work. Part of me dislikes doing so, as I would rather just focus on the work itself but I have to acknowledge the political benefits to making it easy for others to say good things about your professional accomplishments. The benefit here is that you, as the expert, can provide an accurate assessment about the scope and impact of your work. Let’s be honest, we all have a lot to think about and it can make one’s life a little easier when someone shares clear, easily expressed messaging with you. Why not apply this same business-y approach to discussing your divorce?

Remember, people are probably going to repeat your story. Like it or not, people will talk about your divorce, even if it is in a well-intentioned way. What if you made it easy for them to communicate fairly and accurately? For example, “You know, Marika and I have just grown apart over the years. We were pretty happy for a long time and I thank her for that, and she is a great mother to our children. So far, living apart has helped us get along better and I am really enjoying my kids more.” Okay, don’t totally lie if none of this is true but this is respectful and constructive and gives people less reason to be negative about you and your family.

What if my divorce is bitter?

sad wedding rings

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

Okay, it is clearly a common phenomenon for people to be hurt, angry, confused, betrayed, etc. during the ending of a long-term relationship. It is often the case that one person has decided to end things but not yet communicated this to their partner. Sometimes this secretive approach is necessary for safety, and I am all for safety and safety planning but sometimes a partner does not come clean because it is simply too hard. Yes, this is hard. Marriage is hard. However, I do think it can be unfair when one person has already made their decision and effectively moved on but failed to communicate this to their partner.

You know I think couples counseling helps, right?

So, perhaps you tried couples counseling and you still decided to end your marriage. When I work with couples (which I only do on a limited basis), I don’t offer advice on whether a couple should stay together but rather try to help them find effective ways of sharing their thoughts and feelings. This can help the couple themselves make their own decision about the state of their relationship. Therapy can be a safe and effective medium to discuss your thoughts about ending the relationship. I sometimes encourage clients to reserve certain subjects for the therapy session rather than discussing it at home, at least until they have improved their ability to communicate effectively. It can be tough when one person decides to end the relationship but perhaps finding a way to really understand the other person’s perspective can help both parties be more amicable.

Do you have kids? Watch what you say, please.

Divorcing with children

Photo by Simon Hurry on Unsplash

It is becoming a standard practice to formally require that parents not denigrate their soon-to-be-former spouse in their divorce agreement. Generally, this pertains to those who share children, as it is considered to be bad for the children to be exposed to negativity between parents. It feels to children like they are being asked to take sides, and it’s generally pretty unfair to do this.

There are certainly situations where one spouse is abusive towards their former partner and/or their children but you still must remember that children sometimes feel responsible for the bad behavior of a parent, and this is a miserable way to feel. Also remember that children sometimes see themselves as a 50%-50% product of their parents (and genetically, I think that is correct), so, if one parent is bad, the child may internalize that message about their own self. Find some other way to vent your frustrations and make sure your children don’t blame themselves. Please.

Individual counseling for divorce

I have had the pleasure of working with wonderful people who were in various stages of divorce and wanted the support of a therapist to help them cope. Divorces can be really complicated but sometimes they seem to be the best choice. Therapy can be useful to help you resolve your resentments, as resentments turn into very heavy burdens to drag around over the years. Working through your feelings can help you grow and be the best version of yourself for your family and for yourself. Why not find a way to be happy?

Contact me

Questions? Check out my website, request an appointment or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.

email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471

* I am licensed to work in Massachusetts.

References

Wilkinson & Finkbeiner, Lawyers, https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/#:~:text=6.,first%20marriages%20end%20in%20divorce.