It’s hard to take: When a loved one is grieving
Rachel C. Sykes
I Work with Stressed Out Professional Women
Licensed in Massachusetts & New Hampshire
Rachel C. Sykes, LMHC, LLC
Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
When a loved one is grieving
When someone you love is suffering, it can feel intolerable. Whether you are a parent, partner, child, friend or acquaintance, it can be so difficult to watch that most of us want to leap into “fix-it” mode. We want to take the pain away and sometimes we wish we could feel the pain for them so your loved one can be spared. Unfortunately, grieving and loss doesn’t really work like that.
While no one wants to feel bad, it is pretty normal to feel bad when something bad happens. I don’t know of a way around it that is healthy and actually works in the long run.
Coping with loss
When people think of loss, they often think of the loss of a family member or perhaps a friend. While these are certainly common experiences in our lives, they are not the only types of loss. Sometimes, when a person loses a pet or a job, others struggle to relate to this with compassion. This lack of understanding likely makes the grieving process more difficult, as the person with the loss may feel misunderstood and unsupported. I suggest that a loss is a loss regardless of the details and there is no value in dismissing the feelings of another. This is not a contest to see who has the most painful loss, is it?
Common types of losses:
beloved family member
friend
pet
estranged friend or family member
job loss
living independently/in one’s home
being a member of a community
About grieving
When you are grieving a loss, there is no formula for coming to terms with it. There are certainly a lot of opinions on the subject, and mine is that most losses are not “gotten over”. It’s just not that straightforward. However, there may be ways to reflect back on a loss with less pain and more perspective.
What can you actually do when grieving a loss?
Talk about it.
Find others who can relate.
Many churches and community organizations offer support groups. Some therapists do, too (although I don’t).
Feel the pain even though it’s tough.
Recognize that moving through grief is not a simple, linear cookie-cutter experience.
Give yourself some grace.
Loss is hard. Recognize that coping with this loss may take a long time and may impact your day- to-day functioning. Acknowledging this and directing kindness towards self can be helpful.
What you can do for someone who is experiencing loss
Not too much. You can’t spare them the sorrow. However, here are a few things that may help:
Listen.
If your loved one wants to talk about it, listen. Resist the urge to fix unless they ask for your help. Acknowledge their feelings. Let them know that you are available to listen to the extent that you are actually available.
Check in regularly.
Call your loved one. Send them a text just letting them know you love them or are thinking of them. Send them a card through snail mail. Ask them to take a walk with you.
Offer specific help.
If your loved one is struggling with keeping up with life’s tasks, identify a specific chore and ask if you can do it for them. Are they running low on fresh food? Do they need help with laundry, What about some rides? Child or elder care help?
Cut them some slack.
If your loved one takes longer to recover from their loss than you might expect, recognize that there is no “one size fits all” solution. They may withdraw from typical social activities. Try to be understanding and don’t stop including them unless they ask you to do so. Be understanding of their choices and try not to take it personally if your feelings get hurt.
Check out my website or request an appointment or ask for a free 15-minute consultation.
email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471