Are You Dreading the Holidays? Feel Guilty?
Rachel Sykes | I Work with Stressed Out Professional Women | Licensed in Massachusetts
Rachel C. Sykes, LMHC, LLC
Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
rachelcsykes.com
It is mid-November at the time of this writing and I can feel the pressure starting already. Shopping, planning for the holidays, high school reunions and the need to break out my “real” winter coat. A house down the road already has their house lit up with very orderly lights and their yard stuffed with inflatable decorations. Money, food, extended time with family… Many people feel pressure to have the best holiday season for themselves and for their families, yet it is often the most difficult time of the year for them, too. We worry about painful family dynamics resurfacing, bad behavior by visiting siblings, problematic alcohol consumption, and excessive financial expenditures. There are a fair number of us who don’t actually have a nice, neat little family with whom to plan a cozy holiday meal or exchange gifts. No wonder this is the time of year that many people report feeling more depressed.
Social comparison = bad
Checking your phone
No one’s family is “normal”. As a therapist, please believe me on this one. Once you really get to know someone, you learn that each person’s family has their own history, baggage, and dynamics and that sometimes, it’s a little odd. So, while your own family probably has its quirks, don’t imagine you are the only ones with problems. Do you spend time on Facebook looking at everyone else’s lovely families, and wish your family was just as happy? The beautiful family photo you see online is likely a well-sanitized and orchestrated portrayal and that is fine. Just don’t make the mistake of believing that they are perfect family or that your family is “less than”.
Food is Complicated
In my family, a lot of time, money, and energy is spent making way too much food for holiday meals. Personally, I strive to enjoy what I eat and not allow myself to feel guilty if I eat something “bad” (I actually don’t think food is innately good or bad, it’s just food). I certainly enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving meal but I can at times become resentful of feeling obligated to make more food than anyone can possibly eat just to meet some unrealistic family expectations. For those individuals who are a little nervous about spending so much time with family, sometimes problematic eating is part of the worry. People’s relationship with food is rather complex, so I hesitate to give any glib advice here but perhaps we can all try to respect the choices of others and refrain from potentially judgmental or otherwise unkind words about food, eating, weight, and appearance.
perfect thanksgiving meal
Putting Family First?
So, I know there are some people that believe that they should prioritize the collective needs of the family and sacrifice their own needs to meet those of their family. Personally, I am neutral on this subject – I think it can be a cultural thing or even simply a specific belief important to an individual or a family. If you believe that you must meet family expectations, go for it. I suggest, however, that you try your best to accept it without resentment. Perhaps enter the situation prepared for typical family dynamics (drama?). Don’t let it catch you by surprise. Sometimes I encourage the “suit of armor” imagery. If you expect to be verbally attacked or picked on, take a few moments before arriving at the event to visualize yourself donning a suit of armor that will protect you from the slings and arrows. Perhaps take the metaphor further and imagine any unkind words bounce off your armor, and your attacker’s assault is vanquished. Maybe keep track of how many times these barbs bounce off you, and take pride in your ability to manage your emotions afterwards. Think of all the unnecessary suffering you avoid when you are able to “not react”.
Do you feel that spending time with your family at the holidays is toxic for you? Trust your judgement and make the decisions you think is best. Some people value the creation of a “family of choice”, where they invest in close, healthy friendships and spend time with these families when others are with their families of origin. Sometimes, this can be a healthier choice and is a great alternative to feeling alone on during holidays.
Tips
Listen to Your Inner Voice and Your Body
listen to yourself
Do you hear a gentle little voice in your head telling you that it’s time to leave the party? Do you find that you are physically tense, maybe experiencing a headache or stomachache, or that your shoulders are up around your earlobes? Maybe your body is trying to send you a message. Listen to it! You may not have the freedom to simply walk out of an uncomfortable family gathering but perhaps tuning into your wise self can help you adjust your priorities and manage your emotions.
Prioritize Your Own Needs
Suppose you value attending a family gathering but still have a few concerns. Maybe you are working on having healthier body image issues and you are simply not up for unhelpful “jokes” from family. What are your options? Can you discuss this with family? Can you anticipate a hurtful remark and be prepared to respond accordingly? Do you have limited expectations that family will respect your perspective? Perhaps you can ready yourself for the experience by envisioning their words bouncing off you like rain, or blowing by you like wind, such that you don’t get injured.
Do you think that it things might get tense? Perhaps you can plan to take a walk after dinner. Bring a book to spend some along time when things get too much. Personally, I am planning to take a class at the gym on the morning of Thanksgiving, which will start me off in a good place mentally for whatever comes my way. : )
Don’t Let Guilt Drive Your Choices
Sometimes, our own families are the one’s who best know how to push our buttons. People often say that spending time with family brings them back to the child they were in junior high school, despite all the accomplishments that have had since that time. Take some time to recall some of the prior holiday fun times and be ready for it to repeat itself. Does your family “guilt” you into eating gluten, despite knowing it will make you feel sick for days? Be ready for it and don’t react to any guilting tactics.
It is also worth considering that you can reject feeling guilted by others. Again, no one knows you quite the way your family does, so members can be highly effective at inflicting the guilt. One of my annoying yet effective responses to guilt is to “reflect” back. For example, if Uncle Phil tells me that I should eat more turkey because he spent a lot of time cooking, I might really calmly respond with something like ”It sounds like you want me to over-eat today”. Uncle Phil may be annoyed but will usually drop the guilting.
Remain Open
I’m open
This post has focused on the aspects of family holidays that stress people out. What if, by chance, something pleasant transpired? What if you saw an aunt who lives out-of-state and you have a really great time catching up? What if you get to see a new baby in the family that you have not yet had the chance to meet? What if there is an amazing dessert that you have never tried before? Allow yourself to remain open to positive experiences as well as being prepared for the challenges.
