Challenges of Perfectionism: Part II of II

Rachel Sykes | I Work with Stressed Out Professional Women | Licensed in Massachusetts

Rachel C Sykes, therapist

Rachel C. Sykes, LMHC, LLC Rachel@rachelcsykes.com rachelcsykes.com

Perfectionism – A theoretical perspective

Did I mention that I love counseling theory? Well, according to Narrative Therapy, a relatively recent theoretical counseling framework, when a person only values one aspect of themselves, their life story would be considered a “thin” story. Besides being inaccurate, this is problematic because this single-minded focus tends to contribute towards a lack of resilience, where individuals struggle to recover from setbacks or failures. A Narrative therapist would work with a client to “thicken” their story, where the client begins to see themselves as a complex person with a range of qualities and abilities, such that a disappointment in one aspect of life is not so devastating.

An Example

Teenager Emily focuses virtually all of her free time on soccer, sometimes to the extent that she fails to complete her homework. She has played soccer since she was in first grade (6 years old), where she first started to make friends and her parents used to come watch her games in the afternoons. Emily started to get praise from her coaches; she was selected to play important positions and played most of the time in almost every game, as she was known for getting a lot of goals. Her parents and teachers encouraged her to play in other soccer leagues, and told her that, with coaching, she may qualify for a sports scholarship to college. Emily starts to cut back on hanging out with her friends and begins to skip some of her math homework assignments, as she considers herself an athlete, not a student.

At a recent league game, she missed what she considered to be an easy score, probably because she was distracted and tired from all of her soccer drills. This miss contributed to the team losing the game, and Emily takes this very poorly. She takes all responsibility for the loss, she fails to accept that she made any good plays in the game, and she becomes incredibly upset, angry, and down. Because Emily only sees herself as good at one thing—soccer—this single lost game feels like a life-changing disaster, and she believes that nothing good is ever going to happen to her again. When her sister tell her not to feel bad, and that she will do better in the next game, Emily can’t accept her sister’s kind words and intentions, rejecting them in such a way that it creates distance between them. She is inconsolable for a long time, and spends even more time practicing soccer at the expense of her schoolwork, friendships, and other meaningful activities. When she outperforms in the next league game, she feels her identity is restored.

Do you have a thick story?

 Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

A Thick Story In Emily’s case, she might be better served by connecting to other aspects of her self. Maybe Emily is also a great public speaker with an interest in European and Asian history and likes going to museums with a couple of her closest friends. It might be constructive for her to dedicate some time to study and practice these interests and skills, where she may come to see herself as a multi-faceted individual with good friendships who excels at soccer, is a great speaker, and is fascinated by history and art. The next time Emily encounters a disappointment or setback, perhaps she can put it in better context and not be so devastated by the threat to her identity.

If the narrative therapy framework using thick versus thin stories of self doesn’t work for you, another way to describe it may be fragile or brittle.

Additional challenges with Perfectionism

Over-preparation can become a negative

Professor Ellen Taaffe from the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University talks about the impact of over-preparation inherent in perfectionism. She notes that spending a lot of time preparing can be rewarded in school or for a project at work but that it holds people back with respect to career growth. She explains that those in leadership roles need to be able to be knowledgeable on a broad range of subjects and need to make decisions in the absence of complete (perfect) information, so perfectionists may struggle. She also sees that women are often conditioned to over-prepare at work, and this contributes to the underrepresentation of women in leadership roles in most organizations. Her book, The Mirrored Door, further discusses what she calls the over-preparation trap and offers suggestions for how to tackle this and other challenges for women at work.

Not perfect

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Perfectionism Can Detract from a Full Life

Another perhaps more obvious issue is that the amount of time and effort that perfectionism requires prevents the perfectionist from enjoying other aspects of life. This extra effort comes at the expense of other things—relationships, health, and other responsibilities. It also rob oneself of a feeling of satisfaction, as perfectionists are only content with, well… perfection. I have observed that such people spend a lot of time engaged in self-criticism and other unhealthy behaviors. Counseling and Psychological Services at the University of Michigan state online that:

“[P]erfectionistic behavior can have an affect that is opposite of what the person intended. Perfectionists are more likely to experience decreased productivity, impaired health, troubled interpersonal relationships, and low self-esteem. Perfectionists are also vulnerable to: [d]epression, anxiety, test anxiety, social anxiety, writer’s block, obsessiveness, compulsiveness, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, impatience, frustration, [and] anger”.

While perfectionism may not be a formal diagnostic category, it is a problematic trait that can contribute to emotional distress. Consider if this is a struggle for you or someone you care about and do something.

Contact me

Are you interested in seeing if I may be the right therapist for you?* I suggest you check out my website, request an appointment, or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.

email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471

* I am licensed to work in Massachusetts.

References

How perfectionism affects your (mental) health, By Ana Sandoiu on October 12, 2018 — Fact checked by Jasmin Collier, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323323

White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. WW Norton.

Ellen Taaffe, Kellogg Insight, Do You Overprepare? Here Are 4 Ways to Curb This Perfectionist Tendency. https://insight.kellogg.northwestern.edu/article/overprepared-perfectionist-tendency-mirrored-door?token=iyQ9pczp-m_K-EiBifyZxmTD3XkR0QnA&utm_source=subscriber&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=TIL060723&pnespid=uaZpCiJHPvlDhKmfqjqmT5KUvxDxVYBnLfe3wup39UJmBGCn.WczC5a63mBRk4OyzKeXptPO

University of Michigan Counseling and Psychological Services, https://caps.umich.edu/content/consequences-perfectionism#:~:text=Perfectionists%20are%20more%20likely%20to,Depression