Being Perfect: Is Perfectionism the Enemy?
Rachel Sykes | I Work with Stressed Out Professional Women | Licensed in Massachusetts
Rachel C. Sykes, LMHC, LLC Rachel@rachelcsykes.com rachelcsykes.com
Perfectionism – Is perfectionism the enemy?
Author Ana Sandoiu explains that one way to define perfectionism is “a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations.” She also explains that perfectionism is often described as being comprised of three categories: perfectionism directed towards self, directed towards others, or believing that perfection is expected of you by others. While I had viewed perfectionism as a quality expected by self and others, I had not given any thought to when we project this requirement on others.
I have observed that this tendency begins for most people in their childhood, as that is when we are figuring out how to function in the world. It often starts when we first get positive feedback for a specific quality or skill, and that feedback reinforces that behavior/trait in us. Receiving positive reinforcement which then shapes behavior is a normal learning process yet sometimes difficulty emerges when our childlike black-and-white thinking leaves us thinking that perfection is always required.
Being Perfect Sounds Good
Sure, if wanting to do well or achieve makes you happy and leads to recognition, reward, or just personal satisfaction, that can be great. For example, I have a former colleague that is particularly successful at work. She is not egotistical or conceited in any way but she knows that she is good at her job. If she kicks butt on a particular project, she deserves to take some satisfaction in her accomplishment. In addition to her work life, she has a wide range of interests such as hiking, travel, and fine dining. This is not perfectionism; this is an honest assessment of one’s strengths and a person with a full life.
The term perfectionism implies that one is overly consumed with perfection rather than simply achievement-oriented. Such an intense focus on being perfect can produce a somewhat warped perspective, where a person can take no joy or satisfaction from impressive accomplishments because, to them, it should have been better. This kind of pressure can be too extreme and can contribute to stress and maybe even more serious conditions such as anxiety or depression. Furthermore, perfectionism requires so much time and effort that it may result in a person only focusing on a narrow or single aspect of themselves which becomes the focus of all attention, and any perceived failure in this area seems like a devastating blow.
good grades
In collaboration with Kübra Arslaner
Perfectionism implies that performing a task in a flawless manner is critical. For example, a high school student who gets a grade of 97%--the highest grade in the class—may be focused on the 3 percentage points that she missed rather than be able to put things in perspective and be pleased with her grade.
A theoretical perspective
Did I mention that I love counseling theory? Well, according to Narrative Therapy, a relatively recent theoretical counseling framework, when a person only values one aspect of themselves, their life story would be considered a “thin” story. Besides being inaccurate, this is problematic because this single-minded focus tends to contribute towards a lack of resilience, where individuals struggle to recover from setbacks or failures. A narrative therapist would work with a client to “thicken” their story, where the client begins to see themselves as a complex person with a range of qualities and abilities, such that a disappointment in one aspect of life is not so devastating.
More to come on perfectionism next week...
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Are you interested in seeing if I may be the right therapist for you?* I suggest you check out my website, request an appointment, or call/email to ask for a free 15-minute consultation.
email: Rachel@rachelcsykes.com
phone: 617.804.6471
* I am licensed to work in Massachusetts.
References
How perfectionism affects your (mental) health, By Ana Sandoiu on October 12, 2018 — Fact checked by Jasmin Collier, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323323
White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. WW Norton.