Being a therapist is fascinating.  It’s amazing to me how the brain works and how difficult (but useful) emotions can be.  One of the biggest observations I made in my first couple years of client work was how many people found relationships to be hard.  I mean, I thought it was just me that felt awkward or sometimes misunderstood with friends and colleagues. I was truly surprised by how many people, regardless of their relational skills or personality felt uncertain about how to have healthy and satisfying relationships.  In fact, many of the difficulties my clients face have something to do with relationships.  For example, a client might struggle with low self-esteem which makes it difficult for her to say “no” to unreasonable requests.  The problem may be internal but it has external repercussions.  Another client may struggle with anxious and depressive symptoms to the extent that their partner and/or children feel disconnected and guilty.  See what I mean?

RCT: A Useful Theory

Another thing I find interesting about working with therapy clients is being able to rely on my knowledge of counseling theory to conceptualize my client’s challenges.  I know, counseling theory puts a lot of people to sleep but not me. It’s interesting for me to observe how psychological theory evolves over time and how each new famous psychology theorist really builds upon the work of their predecessors and gives their work a unique twist of their own.  In (my) practice, I find it helps me to focus my work and help clients set goals when I reflect on and apply counseling theory.  Another benefit is that it serves as a tool to help me gain perspective and insight into what can feel like a nebulous world of thoughts and feelings. 

A particularly helpful theory that I frequently reflect upon is Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT).  RCT is a type of Feminist theory, in that it considers the influence of culture and power imbalances on mental health.  According to Hammer, Chan, Kavanaugh, and Hadwiger (2020), RCT is “a feminist framework used in counseling and supervision that acknowledges the resilience and empowerment found in authenticity, mutuality, and growth-fostering relationships.” 

When I refer to culture, I try to consider the term broadly, so that it not only considers the expectations of traditional gender roles and identity but also looks at other ways people identify, such as race, sexual orientation, (dis)ability, religion, nationality, age, class, and economic status. I am sure there are more cultural categories that could be added to this list – feel free to message me with your thoughts.

“A cultural group is defined simply as a collection of individuals who share a core set of beliefs, patterns of behavior, and values. The groups may be large or small, but they are identified by their ways of thinking and behaving. All cultural groups are marked by intragroup variation. “ American Bar Association, 2024

Anyway, the main reason I mention RCT here is because of its emphasis on relationships (that’s the “R” in RCT).  In particular, one of the tenets of this theory is that people should strive to engage in “growth” relationships, whereby each relationship helps both participants be increasingly better versions of themselves.  This is not to presume that there is something innately wrong or bad in oneself, but I do buy into the perspective that life is a journey, and we should continue to learn and evolve over time. So, when working with a client with relationship difficulties, it can be helpful to consider them from the perspective of growth.

Some questions:

• Does your partner or your best friend help you learn new ways to look at the world or do they make your world feel smaller? 

• Do you beleve that, on average, you both contribute about the same effort to the relationship? 

• Are you willing to work through hurt feelings because in the long run, your experience makes the bond stronger?

Throwing out the baby with the bathwater

Okay, that phrase may not translate well into various languages; this Germanic idiom comes from the 1500s (thank you, Wikipedia) and suggests that you needn’t throw out the good with the bad. So, I am not recommending that people compose a list of every relationship and then discard all those that fail to meet up to their new, discerning standards.  Perhaps some relationships could improve and may be worth investing in to make them better.  Also, there may be some relationships that are not great but a person may maintain them nonetheless—with family, in particular.  It may be important to someone to maintain a relationship with their parents, for example, despite some unhealthy components, and I can respect this.  It is not my place as a therapist to decide with whom a person should interact- these decisions should be made by the individual in keeping with their own beliefs about friends and family.  However, over time, it can be helpful to reflect upon the people in your life and the quality of those relationships and try to improve the quality of those relationships over time. 

“It should be easy.”  “I want it to feel natural.”

Particularly when talking about dating, people often say something along the lines of “When I meet the right person, I will just know it” or “This person is too much work”.  I believe it’s a myth to expect that relationships exist without ongoing effort-it’s like expecting a garden to grow without being cultivated.  Sometimes, it is internal work that needs to be done – understanding our needs, expectations and feelings.  It also helps to work on improving or maintaining healthy communication.  Relationships are hard but good ones can offer many benefits.  Good relationships, to me, include both participants striving to be their best.

Contact me

References

Cultural Enhancement Module Series, A Project of National Center for Cultural Competence, Georgetown University Center for Child and Human Development.  https://nccc.georgetown.edu/curricula/awareness/D17.html#:~:text=A%20cultural%20group%20is%20defined,are%20marked%20by%20intragroup%20variation

 Hasson Barnes, Chair, Diversity and Inclusion, 2024.  American Bar Association.  https://www.americanbar.org/groups/tort_trial_insurance_practice/committees/diversity-inclusion/

Tonya R. Hammer, Christian D. Chan, Katherine E. Kavanaugh, & Ashley N. Hadwiger. Merging Tenets of Relational Cultural Theory, Feminism, and Wonder Woman for Counseling Practice, Pages 274-284, June 5 2020. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, https://doi.org/10.1080/15401383.2020.1768993